Memoirs from the wilderness

There’s been way too much going on my head to not put any of it down on paper. This last month was probably one of the hardest months I’ve had in the last 4 years. At the hardest points I felt that nothing could heal me and the God I knew could not reach me. A month, 30 days, can really change you. I’m still changing, but I know I am different than before. This doesn’t mean I’m not going to be making any mistakes, but it means that the past didn’t happen in vain. Along the way, I’ve become stronger, wiser and more healed. I am maybe a shred closer to understanding God and myself. A foundation is being laid that cannot be shaken.

The last week going into Christmas, I’ve dealt and wrestled with myself and the demons in my own life. I faced a tumultuous journey of hating myself, feeling unloved, undesired and that I had nothing to offer. I felt jealousy, fear, and waves of immense doubt if I could ever overcome this and see God again. After desperate, and faithless prayers, nightmares, and a consuming state of depression, self loathing, and self pity, I’ve come a long way. Here are some of the things I’ve learned:

God and life is funny. Sometimes a cut it takes for a wound to begin healing. One time I had a horrible eye infection and the doctor decided he was going to take a knife to my eye to scrape off a piece of the infection so that he could test it. Sounds scary huh? After he made the cut, the wound began to heal. My wounds are healing and maybe I needed a cut to know something was broken there.

There will always be things in your life that you cannot control whether it’s circumstances or impulsive feelings. What God gives you the ability to control is your response to these situations. You have the choice. You can sit in your despair, but at the end of the day all you have is your despair. Or you can take all your hurt and sadness and allow the Holy Spirit to change you from the inside out. It is our response to our times of weakness that shape and define who we are at the end of the day. Choose what kind of woman or man you want to be and let your response reflect that. God is giving you the choice.

Many people including myself would call me an optimistic and idealistic person. What this experience has taught me is that with maturity comes our growth in weakness and in failure. Being optimistic does not equate to be someone who is full of faith. Maturity comes with the acceptance of human limitations and that some things must be “let go.” It does not let the heart grow weary or jaded or sit in pain, but it acknowledges and receives healing and continues forward. It is a new optimism, one that always hopes, but has the strength to face the disappointments.

Do not let anything in this world define who you are. I believe this is the key to experiencing the fullness of God. One night I felt like God just shook me and said, “You are beautiful, talented, smart, capable and most importantly loved by me.” When God speaks something over you, it’s not just His opinion of you. It’s pure truth. No one else has a say in that. Anything else that rivals that word is false. If I can just keep my eyes focused on Him than nothing on this earth could touch me. God have mercy on me.

Brennan Manning wrote something in Ragamuffin Gospel that I thought was quite profound. He said paraphrased, ‘Our hope is not based on the idea that we are going to be free of pain and suffering. Rather is it based on the freedom from it.’ However serious we believe Good Friday is, we are confident that Easter Sunday lies ahead of us. Jesus never said it would be easy. He told us that he was sending us out like lamb in the midst of wolves. What he did tell us that we would never be alone and that whatever suffering we experienced on earth was not compared to the eternal weight of glory we would experience in heaven. Manning also saids, “Jesus was not victorious because He never flinched, talked back, or questioned, but having flinched, talked back and questioned, He remained faithful.”

I can say today God has given me a deeper strength that I will hold with me and use to bless others. I am starting to believe that the best counselors, friends, parents and teachers are those who have experienced a great deal of pain and have received a great deal of healing. It is this wisdom that only comes from years of walking with our Father that can help others in their own walks.

I am scared to go back to LA. I’m scared that I will be shaken and that every ounce of strength in me will be drained and my hopes will be crushed. I’m scared that I am going to fall back into a whirlwind of negative thoughts, horrible self image and isolation from God. There are times I believe I’m a fighter and times when I want to just leave Passion Church. Something God spoke to me over Christmas break was who and what are you doing this for. When did my motivation become me and others and not God? When did I start pleasing others before pleasing God? I came to PC because I believed God was calling me to minister to the lost at UCLA. I obey Him because I love Him. It’s just that simple, I love Him and I want to do this for Him. I also believe that He loves me and that there is nothing that I can give Him back that even compare to what He’s given to me. Somewhere along the way, it became about me and not Him. I’m going back to PC in 2 days because I came here to serve Him and minister to Him. I’m going to love those who hurt me and forgive those who hurt me, because simply He has called me to. I want to do what I know is right simply because that is what He would have done. I can do this only with Him. I have his word that He won’t leave me and I trust in it.