I knew it. Today I admitted it. I am frustrated and disenchanted by IJM. Something that God used me to build a year ago, was suffering from a lack of commitment and a loss of vision. In the back of my mind, guilt haunted me. I knew I had not been faithful to it and I had not sown much and as a result failed to reap much. I knew that my passion was losing its luster and that it was at times what inspired others to fight for justice. I knew my heart was hard, my dreams were small and my faith was lost.
What was stirring in my heart, God brought to light today. I knew it. My discontent was growing. IJM was becoming too dependent on me. If i left today, it could not survive on its own. A friend woke me up today from my slumber. I was brought back the vision and purpose of why I felt so strong about creating the chapter.
1) IJM is for the church: It is to raise up a generation who will believe God for freedom and redemption in the nations. It for a church that will rise up and would believe God for more; that would seek his heart and be wrecked for the oppressed, hurting and dying.
2) IJM is for the nations: It is for those who are in bondage and suffering from the horrors of human trafficking. It for the ONE. It is for the freedom of the child in the brothel. It for the future of the family trapped in a brick kiln tricked into accumulating a debt that could never be paid off.
Do I believe God has a destiny and a purpose for IJM at UCLA? Do I believe that what God started here, he will be faithful to finish? Would I be willing to sow, care, and partner with God to see its full potential ? Would I remember God's crazy faithfulness to IJM in the past year? These are questions and convictions that I am faced with.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Life and Death
My stomach turns. It's the result of a mixture of excitement and uncertainty. In a moment of distraction and mild relief, I admire the shiny hardwood floors and dim lighting, I affirm once again that this is the best coffee shop in westwood. As I peruse the menu, I look accross as if I could somehow guess what Paula and Amit were pondering. I opt for Jasmine tea-light, daniel-fast approved, and comforting. The waitress takes our orders and akwardly our discussion begins.
Amit was a first year student that Paula and I randomly met through a series of strange occurences that can only be described as God ordained. At the end of our last meeting we had swapted numbers and had agreed to meet for a spiritual discussion.
Seeker bible studies, spritual discussions, GIGs etc., are strangely a familiar and comfortable setting for me. Coming into this meeting with Amit, God was showing me something new. An hour before the meeting, I was griped with the reality of life and death.
It is common for people to say they want to be doctors because they want to save lives, I say I want to share my faith because I want to save souls. This past week God's been hitting me with the spiritual reality of what we do and honestly sometimes I wanna run away from any responsibility God has entrusted to me. Evangelism can be this emotional rollercoaster for me. You pray for people, hope for them and share you life with them, but at the end of the day it's only the mercy of God that can bring them to that understanding of Jesus. To see someone come so close to touching Jesus, but turn their backs and walk away in fear or doubt, can be the most disturbing and troubling thing for me that is hard to shake at times.
Amit is a guy who admits to seeing signs from Jesus, but cannot put aside his own philosophy and rationale to take a step of faith. While sitting in that coffee shop for two hours, i knew i wasn't having a spiritual discussion, but God spoke to me that I was warring for a man's soul. In the midst of muffins and tea and students studying rigorously, we were trying to save a man's life. I hate thinking of it like that someitmes because pressure and responsibility of it can get to me even knowing that it's not in my hands. At the end of the night Paula handed him a track because he wanted to "try" christianity to see if it was real.
So much of the battle is fought on our knees and without our witness. Paula receives a call a few days later from the guy. He tells her that he followed the 4 steps listed in the track and afterwards turned to look in the mirror. Instead of seeing just himself, he sees Jesus standing before him. He is startled and overwhelmed. His logic and rationale cannot explain what he saw and in fact contradicts the very assertion of Jesus' divinity. There is a statistic that shows that 30% of Muslims convert by seeing Jesus showing himself to them in a vision or dream. Jesus is undeniable.
Amit was a first year student that Paula and I randomly met through a series of strange occurences that can only be described as God ordained. At the end of our last meeting we had swapted numbers and had agreed to meet for a spiritual discussion.
Seeker bible studies, spritual discussions, GIGs etc., are strangely a familiar and comfortable setting for me. Coming into this meeting with Amit, God was showing me something new. An hour before the meeting, I was griped with the reality of life and death.
It is common for people to say they want to be doctors because they want to save lives, I say I want to share my faith because I want to save souls. This past week God's been hitting me with the spiritual reality of what we do and honestly sometimes I wanna run away from any responsibility God has entrusted to me. Evangelism can be this emotional rollercoaster for me. You pray for people, hope for them and share you life with them, but at the end of the day it's only the mercy of God that can bring them to that understanding of Jesus. To see someone come so close to touching Jesus, but turn their backs and walk away in fear or doubt, can be the most disturbing and troubling thing for me that is hard to shake at times.
Amit is a guy who admits to seeing signs from Jesus, but cannot put aside his own philosophy and rationale to take a step of faith. While sitting in that coffee shop for two hours, i knew i wasn't having a spiritual discussion, but God spoke to me that I was warring for a man's soul. In the midst of muffins and tea and students studying rigorously, we were trying to save a man's life. I hate thinking of it like that someitmes because pressure and responsibility of it can get to me even knowing that it's not in my hands. At the end of the night Paula handed him a track because he wanted to "try" christianity to see if it was real.
So much of the battle is fought on our knees and without our witness. Paula receives a call a few days later from the guy. He tells her that he followed the 4 steps listed in the track and afterwards turned to look in the mirror. Instead of seeing just himself, he sees Jesus standing before him. He is startled and overwhelmed. His logic and rationale cannot explain what he saw and in fact contradicts the very assertion of Jesus' divinity. There is a statistic that shows that 30% of Muslims convert by seeing Jesus showing himself to them in a vision or dream. Jesus is undeniable.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Memoirs from the wilderness
There’s been way too much going on my head to not put any of it down on paper. This last month was probably one of the hardest months I’ve had in the last 4 years. At the hardest points I felt that nothing could heal me and the God I knew could not reach me. A month, 30 days, can really change you. I’m still changing, but I know I am different than before. This doesn’t mean I’m not going to be making any mistakes, but it means that the past didn’t happen in vain. Along the way, I’ve become stronger, wiser and more healed. I am maybe a shred closer to understanding God and myself. A foundation is being laid that cannot be shaken.
The last week going into Christmas, I’ve dealt and wrestled with myself and the demons in my own life. I faced a tumultuous journey of hating myself, feeling unloved, undesired and that I had nothing to offer. I felt jealousy, fear, and waves of immense doubt if I could ever overcome this and see God again. After desperate, and faithless prayers, nightmares, and a consuming state of depression, self loathing, and self pity, I’ve come a long way. Here are some of the things I’ve learned:
God and life is funny. Sometimes a cut it takes for a wound to begin healing. One time I had a horrible eye infection and the doctor decided he was going to take a knife to my eye to scrape off a piece of the infection so that he could test it. Sounds scary huh? After he made the cut, the wound began to heal. My wounds are healing and maybe I needed a cut to know something was broken there.
There will always be things in your life that you cannot control whether it’s circumstances or impulsive feelings. What God gives you the ability to control is your response to these situations. You have the choice. You can sit in your despair, but at the end of the day all you have is your despair. Or you can take all your hurt and sadness and allow the Holy Spirit to change you from the inside out. It is our response to our times of weakness that shape and define who we are at the end of the day. Choose what kind of woman or man you want to be and let your response reflect that. God is giving you the choice.
Many people including myself would call me an optimistic and idealistic person. What this experience has taught me is that with maturity comes our growth in weakness and in failure. Being optimistic does not equate to be someone who is full of faith. Maturity comes with the acceptance of human limitations and that some things must be “let go.” It does not let the heart grow weary or jaded or sit in pain, but it acknowledges and receives healing and continues forward. It is a new optimism, one that always hopes, but has the strength to face the disappointments.
Do not let anything in this world define who you are. I believe this is the key to experiencing the fullness of God. One night I felt like God just shook me and said, “You are beautiful, talented, smart, capable and most importantly loved by me.” When God speaks something over you, it’s not just His opinion of you. It’s pure truth. No one else has a say in that. Anything else that rivals that word is false. If I can just keep my eyes focused on Him than nothing on this earth could touch me. God have mercy on me.
Brennan Manning wrote something in Ragamuffin Gospel that I thought was quite profound. He said paraphrased, ‘Our hope is not based on the idea that we are going to be free of pain and suffering. Rather is it based on the freedom from it.’ However serious we believe Good Friday is, we are confident that Easter Sunday lies ahead of us. Jesus never said it would be easy. He told us that he was sending us out like lamb in the midst of wolves. What he did tell us that we would never be alone and that whatever suffering we experienced on earth was not compared to the eternal weight of glory we would experience in heaven. Manning also saids, “Jesus was not victorious because He never flinched, talked back, or questioned, but having flinched, talked back and questioned, He remained faithful.”
I can say today God has given me a deeper strength that I will hold with me and use to bless others. I am starting to believe that the best counselors, friends, parents and teachers are those who have experienced a great deal of pain and have received a great deal of healing. It is this wisdom that only comes from years of walking with our Father that can help others in their own walks.
I am scared to go back to LA. I’m scared that I will be shaken and that every ounce of strength in me will be drained and my hopes will be crushed. I’m scared that I am going to fall back into a whirlwind of negative thoughts, horrible self image and isolation from God. There are times I believe I’m a fighter and times when I want to just leave Passion Church. Something God spoke to me over Christmas break was who and what are you doing this for. When did my motivation become me and others and not God? When did I start pleasing others before pleasing God? I came to PC because I believed God was calling me to minister to the lost at UCLA. I obey Him because I love Him. It’s just that simple, I love Him and I want to do this for Him. I also believe that He loves me and that there is nothing that I can give Him back that even compare to what He’s given to me. Somewhere along the way, it became about me and not Him. I’m going back to PC in 2 days because I came here to serve Him and minister to Him. I’m going to love those who hurt me and forgive those who hurt me, because simply He has called me to. I want to do what I know is right simply because that is what He would have done. I can do this only with Him. I have his word that He won’t leave me and I trust in it.
The last week going into Christmas, I’ve dealt and wrestled with myself and the demons in my own life. I faced a tumultuous journey of hating myself, feeling unloved, undesired and that I had nothing to offer. I felt jealousy, fear, and waves of immense doubt if I could ever overcome this and see God again. After desperate, and faithless prayers, nightmares, and a consuming state of depression, self loathing, and self pity, I’ve come a long way. Here are some of the things I’ve learned:
God and life is funny. Sometimes a cut it takes for a wound to begin healing. One time I had a horrible eye infection and the doctor decided he was going to take a knife to my eye to scrape off a piece of the infection so that he could test it. Sounds scary huh? After he made the cut, the wound began to heal. My wounds are healing and maybe I needed a cut to know something was broken there.
There will always be things in your life that you cannot control whether it’s circumstances or impulsive feelings. What God gives you the ability to control is your response to these situations. You have the choice. You can sit in your despair, but at the end of the day all you have is your despair. Or you can take all your hurt and sadness and allow the Holy Spirit to change you from the inside out. It is our response to our times of weakness that shape and define who we are at the end of the day. Choose what kind of woman or man you want to be and let your response reflect that. God is giving you the choice.
Many people including myself would call me an optimistic and idealistic person. What this experience has taught me is that with maturity comes our growth in weakness and in failure. Being optimistic does not equate to be someone who is full of faith. Maturity comes with the acceptance of human limitations and that some things must be “let go.” It does not let the heart grow weary or jaded or sit in pain, but it acknowledges and receives healing and continues forward. It is a new optimism, one that always hopes, but has the strength to face the disappointments.
Do not let anything in this world define who you are. I believe this is the key to experiencing the fullness of God. One night I felt like God just shook me and said, “You are beautiful, talented, smart, capable and most importantly loved by me.” When God speaks something over you, it’s not just His opinion of you. It’s pure truth. No one else has a say in that. Anything else that rivals that word is false. If I can just keep my eyes focused on Him than nothing on this earth could touch me. God have mercy on me.
Brennan Manning wrote something in Ragamuffin Gospel that I thought was quite profound. He said paraphrased, ‘Our hope is not based on the idea that we are going to be free of pain and suffering. Rather is it based on the freedom from it.’ However serious we believe Good Friday is, we are confident that Easter Sunday lies ahead of us. Jesus never said it would be easy. He told us that he was sending us out like lamb in the midst of wolves. What he did tell us that we would never be alone and that whatever suffering we experienced on earth was not compared to the eternal weight of glory we would experience in heaven. Manning also saids, “Jesus was not victorious because He never flinched, talked back, or questioned, but having flinched, talked back and questioned, He remained faithful.”
I can say today God has given me a deeper strength that I will hold with me and use to bless others. I am starting to believe that the best counselors, friends, parents and teachers are those who have experienced a great deal of pain and have received a great deal of healing. It is this wisdom that only comes from years of walking with our Father that can help others in their own walks.
I am scared to go back to LA. I’m scared that I will be shaken and that every ounce of strength in me will be drained and my hopes will be crushed. I’m scared that I am going to fall back into a whirlwind of negative thoughts, horrible self image and isolation from God. There are times I believe I’m a fighter and times when I want to just leave Passion Church. Something God spoke to me over Christmas break was who and what are you doing this for. When did my motivation become me and others and not God? When did I start pleasing others before pleasing God? I came to PC because I believed God was calling me to minister to the lost at UCLA. I obey Him because I love Him. It’s just that simple, I love Him and I want to do this for Him. I also believe that He loves me and that there is nothing that I can give Him back that even compare to what He’s given to me. Somewhere along the way, it became about me and not Him. I’m going back to PC in 2 days because I came here to serve Him and minister to Him. I’m going to love those who hurt me and forgive those who hurt me, because simply He has called me to. I want to do what I know is right simply because that is what He would have done. I can do this only with Him. I have his word that He won’t leave me and I trust in it.
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