What I need is a constant and lasting revelation of God's love in my life these days. I miss the days when i never doubted God's love for me and everything made so much sense and things seemed so clear.
It is very hard for me to receive love from people. I came into this school year out of a place of intimacy with God and believing i had to be strong in Him for the sake of Passion Church and revival at UCLA. I made sure to gather every bit of tenacity and strength in my spirit to fulfill a faithful calling. I told myself that whatever hurt me along the way, i had to keep going.
I believed i had to lay down my rights, my thoughts and my feelings so that His will could be accomplished. Today, I find myself doubting people's love for me and forgetting God's love for me.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Frustrated
uuggh! I feel so irritated. I feel almost guilty for feeling like this. I keep asking myself, why are you feeling like this? Get over it; what you're feeling isn't justified. I came to the conclusion that I am feeling irritated over these few things: (yes, I made a list so i can understand how i'm feeling haha)
1) Dissatisfaction with Christian Culture: Lately I've been going through this phase where i'm sick of christian culture. I'm sick of the lingo and the trends. I don't want meetings, i don't want fancy songs or prayers, i don't want a temporary feeling, i don't want a conference. All I want is God for who He is. I want true transformation. I want don't want a temporary high.
I've seen Christianity done so many different ways. I've heard contridictory sermons. I've seen cultures worship differently, stress the importance of different biblical concepts, do evangelism differently, etc. Believe it our not, holiness looks different in different churches. I know it's the same God and the same body, but I feel like our culture defines what being Christian should look like and what our relationship with God looks like. I'm sick of everything that is driven by culture, i just want the real thing. I want 100% pure God. I don't want to do a program for some encounter, i want the true and living God each day every day, 24/7 with me. Anyways, this is a late night rant, i may regret everything i'm saying in the morning...
2) My messy apt: I wouldn't call myself a clean freak, cuz i'm not. But i think the messiness level of my apt is affecting me in subconsious ways. I spent the last 1 1/2 hours cleaning my apt tonight and i'm just annoyed about how dirty it gets. I hate myself for being annoyed at this, because i contribute the messiness too and i hate complaining. My whole motto is instead of complaining, contribute to the solution of the issue.
3) Never finding a husband: haha, i never talk about this, but tonight i will. I realized after talking to a friend tonight that i have little faith that i will ever be with someone I want to be with. Firstly, there are no christian men in general, let alone specifically ones that fit the same spiritual DNA and that I like. Yes, i need to remind myself of the christian answers and rely on God as my coping mechanism, but i wanted to express my frustration at least this once.
Lately i've also just been feeling alone, like no one understands me but God. Anyways, hopefully tomorrow i'll be feeling better and more cheerful. It feels good to be real.
1) Dissatisfaction with Christian Culture: Lately I've been going through this phase where i'm sick of christian culture. I'm sick of the lingo and the trends. I don't want meetings, i don't want fancy songs or prayers, i don't want a temporary feeling, i don't want a conference. All I want is God for who He is. I want true transformation. I want don't want a temporary high.
I've seen Christianity done so many different ways. I've heard contridictory sermons. I've seen cultures worship differently, stress the importance of different biblical concepts, do evangelism differently, etc. Believe it our not, holiness looks different in different churches. I know it's the same God and the same body, but I feel like our culture defines what being Christian should look like and what our relationship with God looks like. I'm sick of everything that is driven by culture, i just want the real thing. I want 100% pure God. I don't want to do a program for some encounter, i want the true and living God each day every day, 24/7 with me. Anyways, this is a late night rant, i may regret everything i'm saying in the morning...
2) My messy apt: I wouldn't call myself a clean freak, cuz i'm not. But i think the messiness level of my apt is affecting me in subconsious ways. I spent the last 1 1/2 hours cleaning my apt tonight and i'm just annoyed about how dirty it gets. I hate myself for being annoyed at this, because i contribute the messiness too and i hate complaining. My whole motto is instead of complaining, contribute to the solution of the issue.
3) Never finding a husband: haha, i never talk about this, but tonight i will. I realized after talking to a friend tonight that i have little faith that i will ever be with someone I want to be with. Firstly, there are no christian men in general, let alone specifically ones that fit the same spiritual DNA and that I like. Yes, i need to remind myself of the christian answers and rely on God as my coping mechanism, but i wanted to express my frustration at least this once.
Lately i've also just been feeling alone, like no one understands me but God. Anyways, hopefully tomorrow i'll be feeling better and more cheerful. It feels good to be real.
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