What I need is a constant and lasting revelation of God's love in my life these days. I miss the days when i never doubted God's love for me and everything made so much sense and things seemed so clear.
It is very hard for me to receive love from people. I came into this school year out of a place of intimacy with God and believing i had to be strong in Him for the sake of Passion Church and revival at UCLA. I made sure to gather every bit of tenacity and strength in my spirit to fulfill a faithful calling. I told myself that whatever hurt me along the way, i had to keep going.
I believed i had to lay down my rights, my thoughts and my feelings so that His will could be accomplished. Today, I find myself doubting people's love for me and forgetting God's love for me.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Frustrated
uuggh! I feel so irritated. I feel almost guilty for feeling like this. I keep asking myself, why are you feeling like this? Get over it; what you're feeling isn't justified. I came to the conclusion that I am feeling irritated over these few things: (yes, I made a list so i can understand how i'm feeling haha)
1) Dissatisfaction with Christian Culture: Lately I've been going through this phase where i'm sick of christian culture. I'm sick of the lingo and the trends. I don't want meetings, i don't want fancy songs or prayers, i don't want a temporary feeling, i don't want a conference. All I want is God for who He is. I want true transformation. I want don't want a temporary high.
I've seen Christianity done so many different ways. I've heard contridictory sermons. I've seen cultures worship differently, stress the importance of different biblical concepts, do evangelism differently, etc. Believe it our not, holiness looks different in different churches. I know it's the same God and the same body, but I feel like our culture defines what being Christian should look like and what our relationship with God looks like. I'm sick of everything that is driven by culture, i just want the real thing. I want 100% pure God. I don't want to do a program for some encounter, i want the true and living God each day every day, 24/7 with me. Anyways, this is a late night rant, i may regret everything i'm saying in the morning...
2) My messy apt: I wouldn't call myself a clean freak, cuz i'm not. But i think the messiness level of my apt is affecting me in subconsious ways. I spent the last 1 1/2 hours cleaning my apt tonight and i'm just annoyed about how dirty it gets. I hate myself for being annoyed at this, because i contribute the messiness too and i hate complaining. My whole motto is instead of complaining, contribute to the solution of the issue.
3) Never finding a husband: haha, i never talk about this, but tonight i will. I realized after talking to a friend tonight that i have little faith that i will ever be with someone I want to be with. Firstly, there are no christian men in general, let alone specifically ones that fit the same spiritual DNA and that I like. Yes, i need to remind myself of the christian answers and rely on God as my coping mechanism, but i wanted to express my frustration at least this once.
Lately i've also just been feeling alone, like no one understands me but God. Anyways, hopefully tomorrow i'll be feeling better and more cheerful. It feels good to be real.
1) Dissatisfaction with Christian Culture: Lately I've been going through this phase where i'm sick of christian culture. I'm sick of the lingo and the trends. I don't want meetings, i don't want fancy songs or prayers, i don't want a temporary feeling, i don't want a conference. All I want is God for who He is. I want true transformation. I want don't want a temporary high.
I've seen Christianity done so many different ways. I've heard contridictory sermons. I've seen cultures worship differently, stress the importance of different biblical concepts, do evangelism differently, etc. Believe it our not, holiness looks different in different churches. I know it's the same God and the same body, but I feel like our culture defines what being Christian should look like and what our relationship with God looks like. I'm sick of everything that is driven by culture, i just want the real thing. I want 100% pure God. I don't want to do a program for some encounter, i want the true and living God each day every day, 24/7 with me. Anyways, this is a late night rant, i may regret everything i'm saying in the morning...
2) My messy apt: I wouldn't call myself a clean freak, cuz i'm not. But i think the messiness level of my apt is affecting me in subconsious ways. I spent the last 1 1/2 hours cleaning my apt tonight and i'm just annoyed about how dirty it gets. I hate myself for being annoyed at this, because i contribute the messiness too and i hate complaining. My whole motto is instead of complaining, contribute to the solution of the issue.
3) Never finding a husband: haha, i never talk about this, but tonight i will. I realized after talking to a friend tonight that i have little faith that i will ever be with someone I want to be with. Firstly, there are no christian men in general, let alone specifically ones that fit the same spiritual DNA and that I like. Yes, i need to remind myself of the christian answers and rely on God as my coping mechanism, but i wanted to express my frustration at least this once.
Lately i've also just been feeling alone, like no one understands me but God. Anyways, hopefully tomorrow i'll be feeling better and more cheerful. It feels good to be real.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Doing it right?
Sometimes i get really troubled trying to figure out how to do Christianity "right". I know it sounds stupid, but the longer I am a Christian, the more there seems to be a method to living the Christian life. There's tons of books on how to live a balanced Christian life or have the right perspective on who God is. I am surrounded by many people of faith that i deeply respect and admire that share with me their take and strategy to the healthy Christian walk.
Should i pray for hours, should i evangelize today? Am I not caring enough about this or that? Why do i feel like I am just not enough for it? For what? For organized religion? i dunno, for church planting?
Jesus i love you and I will give you my heart and my life. God I just want to be where you are. Is it my fault that there is no revival? am i not praying enough? is it my fault that the world is the way it is? am i not doing enough? am i not doing it right? God I sure hope you are bigger than me. I hope this isn't up to me.
One time i was walking by De Neve and I saw a little boy on a skateboard being pushed by his dad. The boy had the happiest look on his face, he was riding the skateboard and doing none of the work but enjoying the ride. When I saw that, i immediately thought, that's how life with God is. I need to believe that God is pushing that skateboard behind me; that He is doing immeasurebly more with what little i can do than I can see.
Should i pray for hours, should i evangelize today? Am I not caring enough about this or that? Why do i feel like I am just not enough for it? For what? For organized religion? i dunno, for church planting?
Jesus i love you and I will give you my heart and my life. God I just want to be where you are. Is it my fault that there is no revival? am i not praying enough? is it my fault that the world is the way it is? am i not doing enough? am i not doing it right? God I sure hope you are bigger than me. I hope this isn't up to me.
One time i was walking by De Neve and I saw a little boy on a skateboard being pushed by his dad. The boy had the happiest look on his face, he was riding the skateboard and doing none of the work but enjoying the ride. When I saw that, i immediately thought, that's how life with God is. I need to believe that God is pushing that skateboard behind me; that He is doing immeasurebly more with what little i can do than I can see.
Friday, November 16, 2007
God Rejoices in His Works
Lately I've been dealing with a lot of insecurities. I feel like i'm actually dealing with them now and acknowledging that they are there. I'm pursuing healing, but not focusing on my brokeness. I think recently I've had a hard time thinking that I'm enough- that's i'm spiritual enough, likeable enough, pretty enough, etc . In my sin, i look at others and desire to be like them and I dislike myself, because they're accepted, or they're "spiritual." I feel like God is healing me in this. It's so easy for me to just withdraw when i feel this way. When I desire to be loved in community and don't feel loved, i will just stop caring. It's probably some sort of coping mechanism to protect myself from hurting.
I was listening to John Piper's message on God taking pleasure in His Creation. It was awesome. He talked about how in Psalm 104, God rejoices in His works because they show His glory, His wisdom, and His power. He talked about how God's works are an expression of His glory. I don't think I or many others see themselves as the expression of the glory of God. Piper encouraged the body to be who they were created to be and who they were gave God enjoyment. God takes joy and delight in his creation. There are beautiful sights that no man will ever see, but only God will enjoy them. That blows my mind! There are gorgeous flowers on mountain tops that no one can see, but are created for the enjoyment of God. I received a prophetic word in Kansas City this past summer where a woman told me that I was made beautiful not for men's eyes but for the eyes of God. I have this frustration time to time where i feel like people put me in a box and that's i'm so much more than what meets the eye. I have this frustration that since I'm quiet and introverted no one can see that, but you know, God sees that and honestly i think i'm realizing that I was created for God's enjoyment. God enjoys the hidden parts of me, i might even say their purpose was reserved for God to enjoy first before others. I am encouraged to be who i was made to be. It also makes me think of what it looks like to be who i was created to be.
I feel like my insecurity stiffles and hides who i was meant to be. I was meant to shine, not before others, but before God. I do things on my own a lot. I do ministry indepently a lot too. In that place i feel, the most security and i feel the most free. I want this to me true wherever I go and whoever I'm with. It's just so awesome that God delights in me being me. That He desires for me to be free, to be healed, to be at my fullest potential.
It's so hard to believe that I am a reflection of God's glory, but it's true, God delights in creation because it is a reflection of His own glory.
"May the glory of the Lord endure forever; may the Lord rejoice in His works."- Psalm 104:31
I was listening to John Piper's message on God taking pleasure in His Creation. It was awesome. He talked about how in Psalm 104, God rejoices in His works because they show His glory, His wisdom, and His power. He talked about how God's works are an expression of His glory. I don't think I or many others see themselves as the expression of the glory of God. Piper encouraged the body to be who they were created to be and who they were gave God enjoyment. God takes joy and delight in his creation. There are beautiful sights that no man will ever see, but only God will enjoy them. That blows my mind! There are gorgeous flowers on mountain tops that no one can see, but are created for the enjoyment of God. I received a prophetic word in Kansas City this past summer where a woman told me that I was made beautiful not for men's eyes but for the eyes of God. I have this frustration time to time where i feel like people put me in a box and that's i'm so much more than what meets the eye. I have this frustration that since I'm quiet and introverted no one can see that, but you know, God sees that and honestly i think i'm realizing that I was created for God's enjoyment. God enjoys the hidden parts of me, i might even say their purpose was reserved for God to enjoy first before others. I am encouraged to be who i was made to be. It also makes me think of what it looks like to be who i was created to be.
I feel like my insecurity stiffles and hides who i was meant to be. I was meant to shine, not before others, but before God. I do things on my own a lot. I do ministry indepently a lot too. In that place i feel, the most security and i feel the most free. I want this to me true wherever I go and whoever I'm with. It's just so awesome that God delights in me being me. That He desires for me to be free, to be healed, to be at my fullest potential.
It's so hard to believe that I am a reflection of God's glory, but it's true, God delights in creation because it is a reflection of His own glory.
"May the glory of the Lord endure forever; may the Lord rejoice in His works."- Psalm 104:31
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Coffee Shop Prophetic Evangelism
This morning when I was praying for God to give me a grace with the prophetic. I have a hard time believing that I can hear from God. Evangelism does not scare, the prophetic does. I feel like God is urging me to trust Him and allow Him to do miracles and demonstrate His power through me. It's good for me, because it makes evangelism all about God and not about me.
So today I went out to bruinwalk evangelism with Myles and a few others. I made a sign that said, "God is Real. Let his show you." I held it out for a little while but no one was approaching me. I got some weird looks but nothing was happening. I decided to wait on God. I felt like God was telling me that he was sending me to get wet and engtangeled in the lives of people. I couldn't just stand off to the side but i had to sink myself deep into the lives of people. I've always asked God to allow me to love people and be part of their lives. This is an answer to prayer.
So afterwards I went to do "coffee shop prophetic evangelism" haha. I sat with my computer at this table where I'm usually at. It's the perfect table to practice prophetic words cuz you sit next to random people all who do not know each other. I asked God to speak to me and give me a word of knowledge about each of them. So the first girl I meet, I felt like God was telling me that she was president or at least high up with an organization on campus. So I felt God give me the courage and faith to ask her so I did. She said she was not president but she was on the board for Bruins for Israel. She asked me if i was part of any organizations and I said yes, PC and IJM. I explained what Passion Church was in the in the simpliest way I could and took down my info and said she would e-mail if we wanted to do events together. It thought that was interesting. I gave my info to at least 2 other organizations that day to see if i could network with social groups on campus and develop my sphere of influence. God once again is telling me I need to get my hands wet with student issues and student life on campus.
The second girl i was sitting next to I felt like God told me that she wanted to be a teacher. I waited like 30 minutes to finally ask her. She said yes right away that she did want to be a teacher. I was excited of course. I explained to her why i asked and she told me she was a christian. I encouraged her to pursue her destiny and she was thankful. I thought God or odd? SO i was like God give me another word for someone.
Another girl sat down next to me. She had left earlier but had now returned. Earlier I felt like God was telling me that she had a difficult time sleeping. So i asked her, "do u have a hard time sleeping ?" And she responded "No! My conscience is clean." hahaha I explained to her what i was doing and that i was trying to hear from God. She finally came clean and was like "honestly i did have a hard time sleeping last night cuz i was thinking about some stuff" haha yea to my surprise. She asked me when i started developing this gift and i explained to her that i believed God speaks to people and that i recently started trying it out to bless and encourage people. She told me she didn';t believe in organized religion but believed in something bigger out there. I told her about how i do evangelistic type bible studies and she told me she would facebook me. I'll keep praying for her.
It's crazy though what God does when you step out in faith. I'm encouraged and realizing that God does want to use me and can if i am willing to let him. =)
So today I went out to bruinwalk evangelism with Myles and a few others. I made a sign that said, "God is Real. Let his show you." I held it out for a little while but no one was approaching me. I got some weird looks but nothing was happening. I decided to wait on God. I felt like God was telling me that he was sending me to get wet and engtangeled in the lives of people. I couldn't just stand off to the side but i had to sink myself deep into the lives of people. I've always asked God to allow me to love people and be part of their lives. This is an answer to prayer.
So afterwards I went to do "coffee shop prophetic evangelism" haha. I sat with my computer at this table where I'm usually at. It's the perfect table to practice prophetic words cuz you sit next to random people all who do not know each other. I asked God to speak to me and give me a word of knowledge about each of them. So the first girl I meet, I felt like God was telling me that she was president or at least high up with an organization on campus. So I felt God give me the courage and faith to ask her so I did. She said she was not president but she was on the board for Bruins for Israel. She asked me if i was part of any organizations and I said yes, PC and IJM. I explained what Passion Church was in the in the simpliest way I could and took down my info and said she would e-mail if we wanted to do events together. It thought that was interesting. I gave my info to at least 2 other organizations that day to see if i could network with social groups on campus and develop my sphere of influence. God once again is telling me I need to get my hands wet with student issues and student life on campus.
The second girl i was sitting next to I felt like God told me that she wanted to be a teacher. I waited like 30 minutes to finally ask her. She said yes right away that she did want to be a teacher. I was excited of course. I explained to her why i asked and she told me she was a christian. I encouraged her to pursue her destiny and she was thankful. I thought God or odd? SO i was like God give me another word for someone.
Another girl sat down next to me. She had left earlier but had now returned. Earlier I felt like God was telling me that she had a difficult time sleeping. So i asked her, "do u have a hard time sleeping ?" And she responded "No! My conscience is clean." hahaha I explained to her what i was doing and that i was trying to hear from God. She finally came clean and was like "honestly i did have a hard time sleeping last night cuz i was thinking about some stuff" haha yea to my surprise. She asked me when i started developing this gift and i explained to her that i believed God speaks to people and that i recently started trying it out to bless and encourage people. She told me she didn';t believe in organized religion but believed in something bigger out there. I told her about how i do evangelistic type bible studies and she told me she would facebook me. I'll keep praying for her.
It's crazy though what God does when you step out in faith. I'm encouraged and realizing that God does want to use me and can if i am willing to let him. =)
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Supernatural on Campus I
I felt like the dreams of my heart have been reawakened. Recently i have been feeling this dissatisaction with the church. We were meant to live and walk as Jesus did. Jesus gave us the authority to heal the sick and cast out demons. Why do i not see that in the church today? It's in God' word. It is was were commanded to do. It is what we were meant to do.
Banning tonight talked about how a gospel of power is not negociable. The kingdom of God is within us. We were meant walk in the fullness of God. Lord I want this fullness. Lord I want you. Lord I believe you are a God of power; of signs, wonders and miracles. God i love you. He talked about how God is just looking for a few. Satan is concerned about all believers, he's concerned about the dangerous few who will walk with radical faith and do damage to work. Lord I want to walk dangerously. I want to love dangerously. Lord I want to "take over the world" for you. God would i dream big once again. I loved what Banning said tonight. Lord you want to do miracles, you want to come to UCLA, we don't have to beg you to come, you want to be here and you are just waiting for us to call your name. Lord I ask that you fill your people with radical obedience and radical boldness. Lord make us unstoppable. Give us big dreams once again. Lord awaken my heart to yours again. I love you. I want to walk expecting the impossible, i want to believe in the God in your Word. We're not fighting for survival, we're taking over the world. Lord I believe that the gift of healing and prophesy is not reserved for a selected few but that you want to pour it out to the masses. Lord give me the faith to receive it. Lord give me the faith to fight for the anointing even God. Lord so many times I feel that I'm not deserving of it but i realized tonight that i mostly just desire or fight for it because i'm afraid of not receiving it. Lord but i say God i want to receive your anointing God. Lord give me more of you; i pray that you would fan the giftings and passion and heart in me God. For your glory and not my own Lord.
Banning tonight talked about how a gospel of power is not negociable. The kingdom of God is within us. We were meant walk in the fullness of God. Lord I want this fullness. Lord I want you. Lord I believe you are a God of power; of signs, wonders and miracles. God i love you. He talked about how God is just looking for a few. Satan is concerned about all believers, he's concerned about the dangerous few who will walk with radical faith and do damage to work. Lord I want to walk dangerously. I want to love dangerously. Lord I want to "take over the world" for you. God would i dream big once again. I loved what Banning said tonight. Lord you want to do miracles, you want to come to UCLA, we don't have to beg you to come, you want to be here and you are just waiting for us to call your name. Lord I ask that you fill your people with radical obedience and radical boldness. Lord make us unstoppable. Give us big dreams once again. Lord awaken my heart to yours again. I love you. I want to walk expecting the impossible, i want to believe in the God in your Word. We're not fighting for survival, we're taking over the world. Lord I believe that the gift of healing and prophesy is not reserved for a selected few but that you want to pour it out to the masses. Lord give me the faith to receive it. Lord give me the faith to fight for the anointing even God. Lord so many times I feel that I'm not deserving of it but i realized tonight that i mostly just desire or fight for it because i'm afraid of not receiving it. Lord but i say God i want to receive your anointing God. Lord give me more of you; i pray that you would fan the giftings and passion and heart in me God. For your glory and not my own Lord.
Monday, November 5, 2007
First Post!
Hello personal blog!
Hopefully i will be seeing you a lot. I will be able to record my inmost thoughts and reflections on God and life. It will be exciting, new, adventurous, draining and painful at times. Nonetheless you will be recording a memoir of the life and times of dory. Enjoy the ride =)
Hopefully i will be seeing you a lot. I will be able to record my inmost thoughts and reflections on God and life. It will be exciting, new, adventurous, draining and painful at times. Nonetheless you will be recording a memoir of the life and times of dory. Enjoy the ride =)
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